Please Please Me
Saffron Burrows is a bugaboo.
2008/08/09
A Daisy Chain
I wonder if bands exist as something strange and new, and which can be definitively linked together through broad concepts.
Les Savy Fav
Pavement
Les Savy Fav
Pavement
2008/08/08
Guilt
and Gelt:
Everybody is complaining about wires, but what is it about free agency and liberalism that coincide? Are Liberals classicists? In the sense that they blissfully ignore the idea that they too are part of an ignorant mass, unbeknownst to them.
I love cheese and potatoes. Cheese and potatoes.
Everybody is complaining about wires, but what is it about free agency and liberalism that coincide? Are Liberals classicists? In the sense that they blissfully ignore the idea that they too are part of an ignorant mass, unbeknownst to them.
I love cheese and potatoes. Cheese and potatoes.
2008/08/07
Philadelphia, Mann Theatre
Light as a Feather 2 Disc
On Tuesday, I witnessed the reunion of Return to Forever, after a 25 year hiatus, and got to see Béla Fleck and The Flecktones play for the first time ever. A quick review:
-Futureman is the most inventive musician on the planet right now
Read more about the man here
-Béla Fleck is an absolute beast
-Victor Wooten is more than a mere musician
-The white guy on wind instruments is pretty fucking good too
-Lenny White was savage on the kit, and bonus points for making fun of boy bands, I guess
-Al Di Meola has the fastest fingers in the world, as far as I can tell, he puts all shredders to shame
-Chick Corea was elegant, composed, inventive and managed to evoke every spectrum of human emotions
-Stanley Clarke played a bass solo that almost made me cry; his electric work was classic American, but his Upright work was truly global
On Tuesday, I witnessed the reunion of Return to Forever, after a 25 year hiatus, and got to see Béla Fleck and The Flecktones play for the first time ever. A quick review:
-Futureman is the most inventive musician on the planet right now
Read more about the man here
-Béla Fleck is an absolute beast
-Victor Wooten is more than a mere musician
-The white guy on wind instruments is pretty fucking good too
-Lenny White was savage on the kit, and bonus points for making fun of boy bands, I guess
-Al Di Meola has the fastest fingers in the world, as far as I can tell, he puts all shredders to shame
-Chick Corea was elegant, composed, inventive and managed to evoke every spectrum of human emotions
-Stanley Clarke played a bass solo that almost made me cry; his electric work was classic American, but his Upright work was truly global
Toronto Raptors
Lock your windows, close your doors, here comes a Raptor's roster analysis:
Hassan Adams: Great athlete, can play NBA caliber wing defense, never given any burn in a Nets uniform, a mistake in my opinion. Used to be on Sportscenter every night for highlight reel dunks and defense. You gotta wonder where he'll find minutes on this squad, but hopefully he'll find time to provide a few moments of pure filth in garbage time.
Andrea Bargnani: I feel like the big knock on Andrea is that he is supposed to become some mutant hybrid of Dirk Nowitzki and (a young) Arvydas Sabonis and that all the media does is try to find a way to stop his Icarus-like flights of fancy free bombing and weak-side rebounding. Anyhoo, at least people in America only have room for three Italian athletes in their hearts at any given time, giving Bargnani a rare opportunity as a former number one pick to develop out of the glaring judgmental spotlight,therefore as it currently stands:
Chris Bosh: Predator! Pastafarian! The best internet video creating, mid-range stroking, fast-break finishing, pickle juice drinking motherfucker to ever go from Texas to Canada. Levon Helm would be proud somehow...also, wouldn't it be cool if Bosh liked latter day Wilco recordings? It wouldn't? Ok, I rescind that suggestion.
Jose Calderon: Egad, he is as efficient a lover on the court as any great pass-first point guard. What's this? He is a better shooter than TJ Ford? As far as Spaniard go he is the straw that stirs the drink; wonder what will happen when people realize Ricky Rubio is the product of baby fucking? Making him the clear number one guy was a good move for the younger Colangelo.
QUICK ASIDE: FUCK Mike Krzyzewski's politics.
Joey Graham: I've always liked the way Graham has played the game, ever since he was torching clowns in the Big 12, it seems that he truly has all the tools to be an effective NBA 3, but the system that the Raptors run isn't really his cup of tea. Maybe I'm wrong, but in a world where Brian Cardinal has to suffer the indignities of being ripped apart by every sportswriter in the world for simply getting paid, it's important to remember that we are all entitled to our own opinion, as long as it is an educated one.
Kris Humphries: Thought the Jazz were gonna pick up their option on him, because he is the biggest Whitey in the NBA. A quality 4, with the shiniest forehead in the greater Western Hemisphere, KH is still really young and really talented. Expect a surprise breakout year from him, I'm thinking 12 and 8 with a few spicy blocks to make us all forget about Stan Love's seed.
Nathan Jawai: Hates being compared to young Shaq, you know who should also be annoyed? Greg Oden; how is it that the media is crapping its pants over a workout where he looks like a mountain man and d-bows Channing Frye? Is Channing Frye going to play a single meaningful minute this year with the return of the "Odeon" as I call him?
Jason Kapono: Hopes to continue playing just well enough to make it healthy to the All-Star break where he can once again prove that he would be a perfect edition to any international US squad because of his ability to flat=out shoot the ball. Also, my heart sings with joy when I consider the Phoenix like rebirth of Steve Lavin era UCLA players like Kapono and Matt Barnes, oooh dreamboats.
Jamario Moon:
Jermaine O'Neal: The biggest, blackest Irishman since Morrissey was vying for pop-culture rebounds with Johnny Marr and the rest of the known universe. Is he washed up? New abstract theory; Larry Bird is still in shock over being the president of a team that had a brawl that went up in the stands, and one day slowly realizes Jeff Foster is to blame for all of his problems.
Anthony Parker: Probably worth more money to the Raptors than Carlos Arroyo, would the same be true of Maccabi Tel Aviv? Did he call little sister after her scuffle led to a series of suspensions and another torn ACL for a female athlete? Doubt it. Did he call Karl Malone and tell him to tell Jimmy Kimmel to apologize for his "brown-face" routine? Is Bill Simmons upper-middle class Boston upbringing acceptable when he continues to hurl passive-aggressive racist insults at the NBA? I hope Parker can stop projecting all his hurting over these issues and rise to the occasion of hitting clutch wide open jumpers in the corner and trying to keep his profile decidedly low.
Willie Solomon: Bought every teammate a ticket to go see Stars in Montreal, but the only one who showed was Kris Humphries. I actually have only seen Solomon play like once in my life, and he did not do enough to make me think he'll be anything more than a career backup, but I wish him all the best!
Roko Ukic; Didn't get invited to the Stars show, and is pissed! That lead singer is soooo fine, at least her voice is. Fun fact, Roko is not related in the slightest to the greatest porn star of our word, Rocco. Fun fact #2, J-Zone makes porno soundtracks. Fun fact #3, Pineapple Express was mirthful and absurdist and inevitable.
Oh Canada...
Hassan Adams: Great athlete, can play NBA caliber wing defense, never given any burn in a Nets uniform, a mistake in my opinion. Used to be on Sportscenter every night for highlight reel dunks and defense. You gotta wonder where he'll find minutes on this squad, but hopefully he'll find time to provide a few moments of pure filth in garbage time.
Andrea Bargnani: I feel like the big knock on Andrea is that he is supposed to become some mutant hybrid of Dirk Nowitzki and (a young) Arvydas Sabonis and that all the media does is try to find a way to stop his Icarus-like flights of fancy free bombing and weak-side rebounding. Anyhoo, at least people in America only have room for three Italian athletes in their hearts at any given time, giving Bargnani a rare opportunity as a former number one pick to develop out of the glaring judgmental spotlight,therefore as it currently stands:
Chris Bosh: Predator! Pastafarian! The best internet video creating, mid-range stroking, fast-break finishing, pickle juice drinking motherfucker to ever go from Texas to Canada. Levon Helm would be proud somehow...also, wouldn't it be cool if Bosh liked latter day Wilco recordings? It wouldn't? Ok, I rescind that suggestion.
Jose Calderon: Egad, he is as efficient a lover on the court as any great pass-first point guard. What's this? He is a better shooter than TJ Ford? As far as Spaniard go he is the straw that stirs the drink; wonder what will happen when people realize Ricky Rubio is the product of baby fucking? Making him the clear number one guy was a good move for the younger Colangelo.
QUICK ASIDE: FUCK Mike Krzyzewski's politics.
Joey Graham: I've always liked the way Graham has played the game, ever since he was torching clowns in the Big 12, it seems that he truly has all the tools to be an effective NBA 3, but the system that the Raptors run isn't really his cup of tea. Maybe I'm wrong, but in a world where Brian Cardinal has to suffer the indignities of being ripped apart by every sportswriter in the world for simply getting paid, it's important to remember that we are all entitled to our own opinion, as long as it is an educated one.
Kris Humphries: Thought the Jazz were gonna pick up their option on him, because he is the biggest Whitey in the NBA. A quality 4, with the shiniest forehead in the greater Western Hemisphere, KH is still really young and really talented. Expect a surprise breakout year from him, I'm thinking 12 and 8 with a few spicy blocks to make us all forget about Stan Love's seed.
Nathan Jawai: Hates being compared to young Shaq, you know who should also be annoyed? Greg Oden; how is it that the media is crapping its pants over a workout where he looks like a mountain man and d-bows Channing Frye? Is Channing Frye going to play a single meaningful minute this year with the return of the "Odeon" as I call him?
Jason Kapono: Hopes to continue playing just well enough to make it healthy to the All-Star break where he can once again prove that he would be a perfect edition to any international US squad because of his ability to flat=out shoot the ball. Also, my heart sings with joy when I consider the Phoenix like rebirth of Steve Lavin era UCLA players like Kapono and Matt Barnes, oooh dreamboats.
Jamario Moon:
Jermaine O'Neal: The biggest, blackest Irishman since Morrissey was vying for pop-culture rebounds with Johnny Marr and the rest of the known universe. Is he washed up? New abstract theory; Larry Bird is still in shock over being the president of a team that had a brawl that went up in the stands, and one day slowly realizes Jeff Foster is to blame for all of his problems.
Anthony Parker: Probably worth more money to the Raptors than Carlos Arroyo, would the same be true of Maccabi Tel Aviv? Did he call little sister after her scuffle led to a series of suspensions and another torn ACL for a female athlete? Doubt it. Did he call Karl Malone and tell him to tell Jimmy Kimmel to apologize for his "brown-face" routine? Is Bill Simmons upper-middle class Boston upbringing acceptable when he continues to hurl passive-aggressive racist insults at the NBA? I hope Parker can stop projecting all his hurting over these issues and rise to the occasion of hitting clutch wide open jumpers in the corner and trying to keep his profile decidedly low.
Willie Solomon: Bought every teammate a ticket to go see Stars in Montreal, but the only one who showed was Kris Humphries. I actually have only seen Solomon play like once in my life, and he did not do enough to make me think he'll be anything more than a career backup, but I wish him all the best!
Roko Ukic; Didn't get invited to the Stars show, and is pissed! That lead singer is soooo fine, at least her voice is. Fun fact, Roko is not related in the slightest to the greatest porn star of our word, Rocco. Fun fact #2, J-Zone makes porno soundtracks. Fun fact #3, Pineapple Express was mirthful and absurdist and inevitable.
Oh Canada...
Shattered Dreams
To all my creative friends in the known universe:
Don't stop whatever you're doing because of temporary frustrations. It will all be fine.
Don't stop whatever you're doing because of temporary frustrations. It will all be fine.
2008/08/05
2008/08/04
Utah Jazz
Oh my, it's time to take a looksie at the least applicable nickname of any team in sports (maybe the LA Lakers take the cake, but I stand by my story) the Utah Jazz.
Morris Almond: All-around good guy, but I can't respect any former college star who managed to get stymied by the likes of Swedish B league rookie and once starting shooting guard for Princeton University Noah Savage while at Rice University. He must be smart, but they said the same thing about Karl Malone and now this is happening!
Carlos Boozer: Despite all the ballyhoo about his double crossing of former Cleveland Cavaliers owner Gordon Gund, Boozer is a really respectable NBA player, family man and one of the least hateable Duke alumni in the known universe (Cherokee Parks takes the cake hands down). Is he a true leader, capable of delivering the kind of performances that get a team deep in to the playoffs? Not in the West he's not.
Ronnie Brewer: David Halberstam's profile of Ron Brewer senior from Breaks of the Game that details a return from a knee injury and his hesitance to "jam" is funny when juxtaposed to the younger Brewer's tendency to throw down the rock (he was in the top 5 in the league in dunks in 2007-08)
Jarron Collins: The original "other" Stanford twin big man brother, nuff said.
Kyrylo Fesenko: Recently bleached his hair, to which Jerry Sloan referred to as "clownish behavior", needs to be more aggressive on defense and offense if he is to be effective in the system. That said, Greg Ostertag left big, awkward shoes to fill, and if anyone is up to the task, anyone at all, it's Fesenko.
Matt Harpring: The pride of Atlanta's northern side, aka where the white people are (sorry Rose, but it's true!), Harpring is strong, athletic and hard working (for a cracker ass cracker). His career has been numbingly consistent with occasional spikes of intrigue, he has a huge chest, the kind you crack walnuts on during the holidays. Probably fucks mad Mormon bitches, and probably will tell you the same.
Andrei Kirilenko: The free pass he gets from his wife is nowhere near as extravagant as the one he gets from his teammates for being a huge bitch.
Brevin Knight: Inevitably, Knight was going to play on this squad, he's the shy, quiet type. There's something about him that has always screamed backup guard for a Jerry Sloan coached offense. No longer has the athleticism to play legit PG defense in the NBA, but he can still distribute quite nicely.
Kyle Korver: Whatever I just said about Matt Harpring, translate it to Iowa, where there are nothing but White basketball playing heroes, with Pierre Pierce playing the villain whether knowingly or not. Probably friends with a mormon named Mason.
Kosta Koufos: He's a big Greek boy from Ohio who can stroke jumpers and play high school post defense at a high level. Could have used like 3 more years of school to have a degree to fall back on, but he'll do just enough to play through his rookie deal and then fall in to some Eastern Conference team in a few years where he will do all the things Dan Gadzuric never could.
Paul Millsap: BEAST. The truest link to the Malone days, in that he also starred at Louisana Tech. Love his motor, his ability to rebound and his underrated high post scoring. Wish he was taller so people would just admit that he's a top talent, same goes for Jason Maxiell, these boys are just as often posterization victims as any other big man 6-8 and up.
Mehmet Okur: Turkish delight! Probably smokes a pack before, during and after each practice/game. Gotta love his shooting touch, his furry eyebrows and his inability to understand even the simplest of English phrases. He's probably more erudite and intelligent than we give him credit for, but he really is a big lug. He's almost too Hanna-Barbara like to be a real human being.
Ronnie Price: Like David Bowie's saxophone playing on Lou Reed's Take a Walk on the Wild Side, Price lays in the cut and needs not be mentioned for he now may find himself as a bit part in a memorable machine. Which can only mean one thing, he does this in practice every day:
Deron Williams: The once and future PG of the franchise; Williams is a true gem of a player. The coinciding development of Chris Paul as elite NBA point guards has been one of the best on court stories to come out of the league in a long time. He has all the tools to be the best, now will he somehow find a way to make his teammates more athletic, intelligent and hard working? Only marijuana can do that unfortunately...
Morris Almond: All-around good guy, but I can't respect any former college star who managed to get stymied by the likes of Swedish B league rookie and once starting shooting guard for Princeton University Noah Savage while at Rice University. He must be smart, but they said the same thing about Karl Malone and now this is happening!
Carlos Boozer: Despite all the ballyhoo about his double crossing of former Cleveland Cavaliers owner Gordon Gund, Boozer is a really respectable NBA player, family man and one of the least hateable Duke alumni in the known universe (Cherokee Parks takes the cake hands down). Is he a true leader, capable of delivering the kind of performances that get a team deep in to the playoffs? Not in the West he's not.
Ronnie Brewer: David Halberstam's profile of Ron Brewer senior from Breaks of the Game that details a return from a knee injury and his hesitance to "jam" is funny when juxtaposed to the younger Brewer's tendency to throw down the rock (he was in the top 5 in the league in dunks in 2007-08)
Jarron Collins: The original "other" Stanford twin big man brother, nuff said.
Kyrylo Fesenko: Recently bleached his hair, to which Jerry Sloan referred to as "clownish behavior", needs to be more aggressive on defense and offense if he is to be effective in the system. That said, Greg Ostertag left big, awkward shoes to fill, and if anyone is up to the task, anyone at all, it's Fesenko.
Matt Harpring: The pride of Atlanta's northern side, aka where the white people are (sorry Rose, but it's true!), Harpring is strong, athletic and hard working (for a cracker ass cracker). His career has been numbingly consistent with occasional spikes of intrigue, he has a huge chest, the kind you crack walnuts on during the holidays. Probably fucks mad Mormon bitches, and probably will tell you the same.
Andrei Kirilenko: The free pass he gets from his wife is nowhere near as extravagant as the one he gets from his teammates for being a huge bitch.
Brevin Knight: Inevitably, Knight was going to play on this squad, he's the shy, quiet type. There's something about him that has always screamed backup guard for a Jerry Sloan coached offense. No longer has the athleticism to play legit PG defense in the NBA, but he can still distribute quite nicely.
Kyle Korver: Whatever I just said about Matt Harpring, translate it to Iowa, where there are nothing but White basketball playing heroes, with Pierre Pierce playing the villain whether knowingly or not. Probably friends with a mormon named Mason.
Kosta Koufos: He's a big Greek boy from Ohio who can stroke jumpers and play high school post defense at a high level. Could have used like 3 more years of school to have a degree to fall back on, but he'll do just enough to play through his rookie deal and then fall in to some Eastern Conference team in a few years where he will do all the things Dan Gadzuric never could.
Paul Millsap: BEAST. The truest link to the Malone days, in that he also starred at Louisana Tech. Love his motor, his ability to rebound and his underrated high post scoring. Wish he was taller so people would just admit that he's a top talent, same goes for Jason Maxiell, these boys are just as often posterization victims as any other big man 6-8 and up.
Mehmet Okur: Turkish delight! Probably smokes a pack before, during and after each practice/game. Gotta love his shooting touch, his furry eyebrows and his inability to understand even the simplest of English phrases. He's probably more erudite and intelligent than we give him credit for, but he really is a big lug. He's almost too Hanna-Barbara like to be a real human being.
Ronnie Price: Like David Bowie's saxophone playing on Lou Reed's Take a Walk on the Wild Side, Price lays in the cut and needs not be mentioned for he now may find himself as a bit part in a memorable machine. Which can only mean one thing, he does this in practice every day:
Deron Williams: The once and future PG of the franchise; Williams is a true gem of a player. The coinciding development of Chris Paul as elite NBA point guards has been one of the best on court stories to come out of the league in a long time. He has all the tools to be the best, now will he somehow find a way to make his teammates more athletic, intelligent and hard working? Only marijuana can do that unfortunately...
Pocahontas Round II
Worst Neil slide show this side of the Mississippi, you should see what they got cooking up in Oklahoma.
2008/08/03
2008/08/01
Tub Girl Ain't Got Shit on Me!
Good news: Vomitron made a special guest appearance in the 08540.
Bad news: He overstayed his welcome by like 15 hours.
Manny Ramirez is officially a Dodger. Let's listen to Elliott Smith's take:
Jason Bay is no longer a Pirate, but brings a welcome helping of milquetoast on a team that was getting a little competitive/ethnic in a world that had only known white failures for 86 years.
Bad news: He overstayed his welcome by like 15 hours.
Manny Ramirez is officially a Dodger. Let's listen to Elliott Smith's take:
Jason Bay is no longer a Pirate, but brings a welcome helping of milquetoast on a team that was getting a little competitive/ethnic in a world that had only known white failures for 86 years.
2008/07/31
New York Knickerbockers
Parla Italiano?
Let's take a look at the current NY Knick roster:
Wilson Chandler: Extremely athletic, good instincts going to the basket, still developing his defensive presence, but will most likely flourish in D'Antoni's system.
Mardy Collins: The knock on Collins is that he doesn't do anything well enough; if he can focus on being a distributor and using his height to guard out on the wing, he doesn't need a traditional position.
Jamal Crawford: Those from the great Seattle metropolitan area have many current NBAers to hype up; Brandon Roy and Marvin Williams are the two most immediate examples that come to mind. I never hear you motherfuckers saying a word about your boy from Rainier Beach. Maybe he takes too many bad shots, doesn't rebound, doesn't defend, doesn't pass, and thinks he is worth franchise money to boot, ok there's no bright side to having him be an integral part of your squad, I give up trying.
Eddy Curry: He's got heart alright, even if it may give out at any given moment, and Curry seems poised for a breakout year in which he averages twice as many turnovers as assists, and continues to compile seasonal statistics that have us wondering how he could bring a double-double to the table every night and still be numbingly ineffective. Shaq was a bad fit in Phoenix last season, Eddy Curry is too big to fit himself in to any of the cutesy shapes D'Antoni makes.
Chris Duhon: Much like Green Day's breakthrough release in 1994, Duhon got his big break as a Dukie. He played alongside a fair number of NBA players and often showed poise, athleticism and court vision to spare. His NBA career has been underwhelming, he never seems to be the kind of guy you'd want starting for your team, let alone a playoff bound one. Maybe what he needs is a team that runs and guns and doesn't mind having a little funs too.
Danilo Gallinari: I hope he gets fat, it will help him build character. He kind of reminds me of a Western European Darko Milicic, maybe this means great things since one can only improve by getting playing time. Did he warrant his high lottery selection in the draft? I think so, think about 2010 when the Cablevision/MSG consortia is vying for the hearts and minds of New York's fans against Brooklyn's new look Nets, they need guidos, now and forever, to keep racism alive!
Jerome James:
Jared Jeffries: A former Mr. Basketball of Indiana, Jeffries seems to have earned his contract because Hoosiers (Isiah Thomas) hook it up for other Hoosiers for life. Remember when this motherfucker was getting hyped up in his early days on the Wiz? Jeesssus, let's hope that he offers a hint of offense to compliment his half-decent perimeter defense.
David Lee: Something terrible happened to David Lee while at Florida. I imagine Billly Donovan encouraged Lee to do nothing but grab rebounds and dunk in practice, and would have him watch old Led Zeppelin concert footage while all the Anthony Robersons of the world took jumper after jumper. It's still hard to fathom him defeating James "Flight" White in a dunk contest, but, then again, Crystal Meth has not been a national problem all that long.
Stephon Marbury: I have faith for Starbury. Someone needs to track down the footage of Starbury playing all the characters in a fake interview.
Zach Randolph: Should have crawled back in to the womb at Michigan State when he had the chance...
Quentin Richardson: Reunites with D'Antoni, if he's healthy he's liable to make a fuck ton of 3's. I envision him having a Glen Rice on the Lakers in 2002 kind of year.
Anthony Roberson: At least they didn't sign Matt Walsh...
Nate Robinson: Retired his jersey in Vegas for his Summer league dominance. I hope he can somehow find the courage to be a real NBA player.
Malik Rose: Candidate for getting dunked on the most by Wilson Chandler in practice day in and day out. The prototypical too small power forward.
There you have it, godspeed NY.
Let's take a look at the current NY Knick roster:
Wilson Chandler: Extremely athletic, good instincts going to the basket, still developing his defensive presence, but will most likely flourish in D'Antoni's system.
Mardy Collins: The knock on Collins is that he doesn't do anything well enough; if he can focus on being a distributor and using his height to guard out on the wing, he doesn't need a traditional position.
Jamal Crawford: Those from the great Seattle metropolitan area have many current NBAers to hype up; Brandon Roy and Marvin Williams are the two most immediate examples that come to mind. I never hear you motherfuckers saying a word about your boy from Rainier Beach. Maybe he takes too many bad shots, doesn't rebound, doesn't defend, doesn't pass, and thinks he is worth franchise money to boot, ok there's no bright side to having him be an integral part of your squad, I give up trying.
Eddy Curry: He's got heart alright, even if it may give out at any given moment, and Curry seems poised for a breakout year in which he averages twice as many turnovers as assists, and continues to compile seasonal statistics that have us wondering how he could bring a double-double to the table every night and still be numbingly ineffective. Shaq was a bad fit in Phoenix last season, Eddy Curry is too big to fit himself in to any of the cutesy shapes D'Antoni makes.
Chris Duhon: Much like Green Day's breakthrough release in 1994, Duhon got his big break as a Dukie. He played alongside a fair number of NBA players and often showed poise, athleticism and court vision to spare. His NBA career has been underwhelming, he never seems to be the kind of guy you'd want starting for your team, let alone a playoff bound one. Maybe what he needs is a team that runs and guns and doesn't mind having a little funs too.
Danilo Gallinari: I hope he gets fat, it will help him build character. He kind of reminds me of a Western European Darko Milicic, maybe this means great things since one can only improve by getting playing time. Did he warrant his high lottery selection in the draft? I think so, think about 2010 when the Cablevision/MSG consortia is vying for the hearts and minds of New York's fans against Brooklyn's new look Nets, they need guidos, now and forever, to keep racism alive!
Jerome James:
Jared Jeffries: A former Mr. Basketball of Indiana, Jeffries seems to have earned his contract because Hoosiers (Isiah Thomas) hook it up for other Hoosiers for life. Remember when this motherfucker was getting hyped up in his early days on the Wiz? Jeesssus, let's hope that he offers a hint of offense to compliment his half-decent perimeter defense.
David Lee: Something terrible happened to David Lee while at Florida. I imagine Billly Donovan encouraged Lee to do nothing but grab rebounds and dunk in practice, and would have him watch old Led Zeppelin concert footage while all the Anthony Robersons of the world took jumper after jumper. It's still hard to fathom him defeating James "Flight" White in a dunk contest, but, then again, Crystal Meth has not been a national problem all that long.
Stephon Marbury: I have faith for Starbury. Someone needs to track down the footage of Starbury playing all the characters in a fake interview.
Zach Randolph: Should have crawled back in to the womb at Michigan State when he had the chance...
Quentin Richardson: Reunites with D'Antoni, if he's healthy he's liable to make a fuck ton of 3's. I envision him having a Glen Rice on the Lakers in 2002 kind of year.
Anthony Roberson: At least they didn't sign Matt Walsh...
Nate Robinson: Retired his jersey in Vegas for his Summer league dominance. I hope he can somehow find the courage to be a real NBA player.
Malik Rose: Candidate for getting dunked on the most by Wilson Chandler in practice day in and day out. The prototypical too small power forward.
There you have it, godspeed NY.
Washington Wizards
An exciting offseason indeed! Let's discuss the curerent roster for the Washington Wizards:
Gilbert Arenas: Overexposure leads to increased color bleed in the picture. I have aspirations of an all Gil all-star weekend.
Andray Blatche: Only one way to explain his career so far:
Caron Butler: Whatever the fuck people nicknamed this dude as, Tough Juice, is confusing to me as an outsider to the game of basketball as such. Therefore I will just comment that he is a top-tier favorite player of mine in the association.
Antonio Daniels: Used to be a leaper, still has low to the ground athleticism. Never had elite point skills, but got away with a lot because of how well he moves defensively. Russell Westbrook take note! You're hyper-athletic and have the potential to rise above the standard set by guys like Daniels and a young Jason Kidd.
This when Kidd was still in High School (approaching 20 years ago):
Brendan Haywood: Makes one long for the Kris Lang years at UNC.
Antwan Jamison: Got more pussy at UNC than Brendan Haywood, that's for damn sure.
Javale Mcgee: Is the prototypical feminist.
Dominic Mcguire: Seems to lead an honest life, just happy to be here kind of guy.
Oleksiy Pecherov: Dangerously thin, summers working for Gazprom have not improved his station in life.
Darius Songaila: Lithuanian! He's got something going on, always willing to take the hits inside, likes shooting jumpers, never a great athlete, mediocre defender, decent passer maybe, and mired in mediocre tendencies. Never makes the exciting play, has not the power to do so.
Deshawn Stevenson: Has swagger, miles of it. He is bigger than the American education system as far as I'm concerned. Tracy Morgan and Tracy Mcgrady had a baby and it's name was Baron Davis.
Etan Thomas: Demands that you take him and his rhymes seriously Brendan Haywood!
Nick Young: USC girls were great...Georgetown girls have funny moles...I am an amazing dunker...I am, oh fuck, ten minutes late for practice, was I dreaming? Nope these things are actually probably true.
Gilbert Arenas: Overexposure leads to increased color bleed in the picture. I have aspirations of an all Gil all-star weekend.
Andray Blatche: Only one way to explain his career so far:
Caron Butler: Whatever the fuck people nicknamed this dude as, Tough Juice, is confusing to me as an outsider to the game of basketball as such. Therefore I will just comment that he is a top-tier favorite player of mine in the association.
Antonio Daniels: Used to be a leaper, still has low to the ground athleticism. Never had elite point skills, but got away with a lot because of how well he moves defensively. Russell Westbrook take note! You're hyper-athletic and have the potential to rise above the standard set by guys like Daniels and a young Jason Kidd.
This when Kidd was still in High School (approaching 20 years ago):
Brendan Haywood: Makes one long for the Kris Lang years at UNC.
Antwan Jamison: Got more pussy at UNC than Brendan Haywood, that's for damn sure.
Javale Mcgee: Is the prototypical feminist.
Dominic Mcguire: Seems to lead an honest life, just happy to be here kind of guy.
Oleksiy Pecherov: Dangerously thin, summers working for Gazprom have not improved his station in life.
Darius Songaila: Lithuanian! He's got something going on, always willing to take the hits inside, likes shooting jumpers, never a great athlete, mediocre defender, decent passer maybe, and mired in mediocre tendencies. Never makes the exciting play, has not the power to do so.
Deshawn Stevenson: Has swagger, miles of it. He is bigger than the American education system as far as I'm concerned. Tracy Morgan and Tracy Mcgrady had a baby and it's name was Baron Davis.
Etan Thomas: Demands that you take him and his rhymes seriously Brendan Haywood!
Nick Young: USC girls were great...Georgetown girls have funny moles...I am an amazing dunker...I am, oh fuck, ten minutes late for practice, was I dreaming? Nope these things are actually probably true.
2008/07/30
Artest
Wow.
The Rockets might be a contender finally. Any Syracuse fan will tell you that Donte Greene is a fucking bum. Any St. Johns fan will tell you Ron Artest is a great man. Pacers fans try to remain mum, it's the midwest after all!
Kings get:
Bobby Jackson
Donte Greene
2009 First Round Selection (Unprotected)
Rockets get:
Ron Artest
The Rockets don't pick up any lousy contracts (maybe Artest's) in the process and don't really lose a lot of depth at the guard position. Is Aaron Brooks the pure point Daryl Morey and Rick Adelman think he is? I somehow doubt it, but lets take a look at a potential starting five for the Rockets in 2008-2009:
PG-Rafer Alston/Aaron Brooks
SG-Tracy Mcgrady
SF-Ron Artest
PF-Shane Battier
C-Yao Ming
Wow.
The Rockets might be a contender finally. Any Syracuse fan will tell you that Donte Greene is a fucking bum. Any St. Johns fan will tell you Ron Artest is a great man. Pacers fans try to remain mum, it's the midwest after all!
Kings get:
Bobby Jackson
Donte Greene
2009 First Round Selection (Unprotected)
Rockets get:
Ron Artest
The Rockets don't pick up any lousy contracts (maybe Artest's) in the process and don't really lose a lot of depth at the guard position. Is Aaron Brooks the pure point Daryl Morey and Rick Adelman think he is? I somehow doubt it, but lets take a look at a potential starting five for the Rockets in 2008-2009:
PG-Rafer Alston/Aaron Brooks
SG-Tracy Mcgrady
SF-Ron Artest
PF-Shane Battier
C-Yao Ming
Wow.
2008/07/29
Concert Sound
Best free agent signing of the summer so far? Matt Barnes to the Phoenix Suns.
Worst free agent signing of the summer so far? Keyon Dooling to the New Jersey Nets.
Let's analyze the current nets roster:
Maurice Ager: One of my favorite Michigan State alumni ever, he killed it in college, and, despite showing flashes of promise, was never given enough burn in Dallas nor as of late under Lawrence Frank. He also seems to be a disciple of the Vince Carter school of in game consistency; a bad sign when you don't have the tools at your disposal that VC does.
Ryan Andersen: Feel good story of the Willenium, the formerly doughy Andersen worked his ass off to become the PAC-10's leading scorer last year. He can stroke on his jumper, an asset that becomes even more valuable with the departure of both Boki Nachbar and Nenad Krstic. He also seems soft, still, despite his hard numbers. I can only hope that he and Matt Frieje never meet, unless it's to speak up against the injustices in Darfur, or to be endorsed by a new line of clothes for tall, white men.
Josh Boone: He is the former bane of so many a UConn fan's existences, but has so much damn potential. Him and Hilton Armstrong might spend the rest of their careers getting dunked on, but at least Boone should be able to be a solid contributor on a nightly basis. If rumors are true that he learned to shoot from past 8 feet out, anything goes for this Nets team. A true first round playoff exit kind of Power Forward.
Vince Carter: Remember in 2005 when Toronto sold Carter off for what eventually amounted to Rob Babcock getting himself a nice severance payment? All of the sudden VC is the alpha male, veteran leader on this squad; this could mean terrible things for the forseeable future. With consistent effort, poise, and a regained swagger that terrifies defenders (Authors Note: We are in fact, fucked) we could make it all the way to the second round, only to see J.R. Giddens, as Boston's 12th man, outplay our entire starting 5.
Keyon Dooling: KEYON DOOLING?!?!?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! WHY?!?!!?!? How are people like Tyronn Lue, Keyon Dooling, and Anthony Johnson in the NBA? Just bring in a young player who can shoot, Pierre Pierce anybody?, and has athleticism, and size and maybe you can be an effective team at cost! I'm pretty sure Peter Jackson is a racist son of a bitch, but Dooling eerily resembles an Orc I saw in one of those LOTR movies.
Chris Douglas-Roberts: YES! YES! YES! CDR is my hero; beyond clutch missed free throws (I'm looking at you D. Rose) this man has enough swagger to make up for Boone's shoegazing tendencies. CDR:J Boone::Dipset:My Bloody Valentine. He is stronger and more athletic in game than most people think, and he can straight up drop buckets. He's a scorer, he's a creator, he's an on ball defender, and all of these things are mitigated by the Keyon Dooling signing!!! AAAHHHHH!!!!
Devin Harris: Madison, Wisconsin is a scary place, if you know what I'm talking about then we can leave it at that. Anyhow, this Harris boy is a whirling dervish of an uptempo point guard. I love his athleticism and his ever improving mid-range game. We can't ride his coattails to prominence until he can be a smaller cog in the machine; he doesn't have the pure passing skills of Kidd, let alone Kendall Gill, but he can be extremely effective with the right kind of players around him, namely CDR.
Trenton Hassel: Much like his namesake, the capital of The Garden State, señor Hassel has been continuously grinding out solid on ball defense and occasionally knocking down uncontested jumpers since KG was a teenage phenom up in Minnesota. I would like to think of him as a glue guy, but his history is marred by having played on so many mediocre teams.
Jarvis Hayes: Loved him on the Wizards, liked him on the Pistons, hoping for the best with the Nets. He's always seemed like an old soul in the NBA, a gunner on par with the best in the game when he's got it together. He brings a lot to the table with his combination of size and scoring at the wing position, but he also finds himself in a somewhat silly logjam that might even make Bunny Lebowski blush. If Bill Simmons is actually right about anything it's the idea of removing a seeming star from a team and then watching that team ascend to much greater heights than ever achieved while said player was healthy and supposedly dominant, Patrick Ewing and the 1999 Knicks is a great example, even if Boston fans are the worst fans that ever lived, I forgive you, but I will never refer to him as the Sports Guy ever again after this sentence, because fuck big market fans.
Brook Lopez: Robin will be better; what does this mean for Brook? For starters, which he might be given the departure of Krstic to Russia, there doesn't seem to be anything about this guy that is outstanding. Underwhelmed is the impression most PAC-!0 fans give me after watching Stanford the last couple of years. Will Sean Williams bring out the beast in Brook by switching out his mama's titty milk for a bong rip or two? I sure hope so, because you can't teach height and post-presence. Lopez will be an upgrade to Krstic defensively, offense is a wait and see sort of transition with so much of the roster being overhauled in the offseason, only time will tell.
Eduardo Najera: The biggest Mexican that ever played in the NBA. I love Eduardo Najera so very much, because he embodies the spirit of so many hard working Americans, whether they are in this country legally or not. His shooting is underrated, anyone who saw him playing in Denver had to see that it was impossible for anyone to have a competent offensive game while AI and Carmelo Anthony shared court space. Isn't it weird that Denver is rehashing what they did almost thirty years ago to the T: High scoring, no defense, often maligned flashy stars? Perhaps Linas Kleiza is the missing link.
Bobby Simmons: Number one question mark coming in to the season; what Bobby Simmons did the Nets trade for? Was he only good because he was playing in a contract year for a strangely competitive LA Clipper team, and with a lot of hype from certain media members with a particular interest (Ahem, Simmons' borderline swimfan like crush on him), or will he actually persevere the slew of injuries and bad press that seem to have derailed a career on the rise? Is 100% healthy? Can he bring it at the swingman position in a way that will help this squad? Is he going to put up ill advised threes? Will there be any room for any more ill-advised threes with VC, Maurice Ager, Eduardo Najera, Jarvis Hayes, Devina Harris, Trenton Hassel and Yi all one team to boot? Uh-Oh.
Stromile Swift: The kind of player that cause old Jewish men to "Feh" in disgust, Swift has spent the greater part of his Basketball career building us up, only to drop us 30 stories down. Why doesn't his superior athleticism at the 4 get the job done? Maybe because he is a self-aggrandizing moron. Remember that bird call shit he used to do? Fuck, get this guy off the roster immediately before I start liking him.
Peep the hand gesture post dunk, he still does it!!!!
Keith Van Horn:
Sean Williams:
Yi Jianlin: Finally, Yi gets exposed to the Chinese saturated market he (and the powers that control him) crave. He can be a hero to the millions of yellow men in the greater New York metropolitan area who crave a true basketball playing hero. So let's take a look at what Yi can do for you and me:
Dunk on people regardless of their race:
Make Andrew Bogut look like he's worth a lot less than that contract extension:
Speak English?:
Oh well, we're not the Knicks:
Worst free agent signing of the summer so far? Keyon Dooling to the New Jersey Nets.
Let's analyze the current nets roster:
Maurice Ager: One of my favorite Michigan State alumni ever, he killed it in college, and, despite showing flashes of promise, was never given enough burn in Dallas nor as of late under Lawrence Frank. He also seems to be a disciple of the Vince Carter school of in game consistency; a bad sign when you don't have the tools at your disposal that VC does.
Ryan Andersen: Feel good story of the Willenium, the formerly doughy Andersen worked his ass off to become the PAC-10's leading scorer last year. He can stroke on his jumper, an asset that becomes even more valuable with the departure of both Boki Nachbar and Nenad Krstic. He also seems soft, still, despite his hard numbers. I can only hope that he and Matt Frieje never meet, unless it's to speak up against the injustices in Darfur, or to be endorsed by a new line of clothes for tall, white men.
Josh Boone: He is the former bane of so many a UConn fan's existences, but has so much damn potential. Him and Hilton Armstrong might spend the rest of their careers getting dunked on, but at least Boone should be able to be a solid contributor on a nightly basis. If rumors are true that he learned to shoot from past 8 feet out, anything goes for this Nets team. A true first round playoff exit kind of Power Forward.
Vince Carter: Remember in 2005 when Toronto sold Carter off for what eventually amounted to Rob Babcock getting himself a nice severance payment? All of the sudden VC is the alpha male, veteran leader on this squad; this could mean terrible things for the forseeable future. With consistent effort, poise, and a regained swagger that terrifies defenders (Authors Note: We are in fact, fucked) we could make it all the way to the second round, only to see J.R. Giddens, as Boston's 12th man, outplay our entire starting 5.
Keyon Dooling: KEYON DOOLING?!?!?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! WHY?!?!!?!? How are people like Tyronn Lue, Keyon Dooling, and Anthony Johnson in the NBA? Just bring in a young player who can shoot, Pierre Pierce anybody?, and has athleticism, and size and maybe you can be an effective team at cost! I'm pretty sure Peter Jackson is a racist son of a bitch, but Dooling eerily resembles an Orc I saw in one of those LOTR movies.
Chris Douglas-Roberts: YES! YES! YES! CDR is my hero; beyond clutch missed free throws (I'm looking at you D. Rose) this man has enough swagger to make up for Boone's shoegazing tendencies. CDR:J Boone::Dipset:My Bloody Valentine. He is stronger and more athletic in game than most people think, and he can straight up drop buckets. He's a scorer, he's a creator, he's an on ball defender, and all of these things are mitigated by the Keyon Dooling signing!!! AAAHHHHH!!!!
Devin Harris: Madison, Wisconsin is a scary place, if you know what I'm talking about then we can leave it at that. Anyhow, this Harris boy is a whirling dervish of an uptempo point guard. I love his athleticism and his ever improving mid-range game. We can't ride his coattails to prominence until he can be a smaller cog in the machine; he doesn't have the pure passing skills of Kidd, let alone Kendall Gill, but he can be extremely effective with the right kind of players around him, namely CDR.
Trenton Hassel: Much like his namesake, the capital of The Garden State, señor Hassel has been continuously grinding out solid on ball defense and occasionally knocking down uncontested jumpers since KG was a teenage phenom up in Minnesota. I would like to think of him as a glue guy, but his history is marred by having played on so many mediocre teams.
Jarvis Hayes: Loved him on the Wizards, liked him on the Pistons, hoping for the best with the Nets. He's always seemed like an old soul in the NBA, a gunner on par with the best in the game when he's got it together. He brings a lot to the table with his combination of size and scoring at the wing position, but he also finds himself in a somewhat silly logjam that might even make Bunny Lebowski blush. If Bill Simmons is actually right about anything it's the idea of removing a seeming star from a team and then watching that team ascend to much greater heights than ever achieved while said player was healthy and supposedly dominant, Patrick Ewing and the 1999 Knicks is a great example, even if Boston fans are the worst fans that ever lived, I forgive you, but I will never refer to him as the Sports Guy ever again after this sentence, because fuck big market fans.
Brook Lopez: Robin will be better; what does this mean for Brook? For starters, which he might be given the departure of Krstic to Russia, there doesn't seem to be anything about this guy that is outstanding. Underwhelmed is the impression most PAC-!0 fans give me after watching Stanford the last couple of years. Will Sean Williams bring out the beast in Brook by switching out his mama's titty milk for a bong rip or two? I sure hope so, because you can't teach height and post-presence. Lopez will be an upgrade to Krstic defensively, offense is a wait and see sort of transition with so much of the roster being overhauled in the offseason, only time will tell.
Eduardo Najera: The biggest Mexican that ever played in the NBA. I love Eduardo Najera so very much, because he embodies the spirit of so many hard working Americans, whether they are in this country legally or not. His shooting is underrated, anyone who saw him playing in Denver had to see that it was impossible for anyone to have a competent offensive game while AI and Carmelo Anthony shared court space. Isn't it weird that Denver is rehashing what they did almost thirty years ago to the T: High scoring, no defense, often maligned flashy stars? Perhaps Linas Kleiza is the missing link.
Bobby Simmons: Number one question mark coming in to the season; what Bobby Simmons did the Nets trade for? Was he only good because he was playing in a contract year for a strangely competitive LA Clipper team, and with a lot of hype from certain media members with a particular interest (Ahem, Simmons' borderline swimfan like crush on him), or will he actually persevere the slew of injuries and bad press that seem to have derailed a career on the rise? Is 100% healthy? Can he bring it at the swingman position in a way that will help this squad? Is he going to put up ill advised threes? Will there be any room for any more ill-advised threes with VC, Maurice Ager, Eduardo Najera, Jarvis Hayes, Devina Harris, Trenton Hassel and Yi all one team to boot? Uh-Oh.
Stromile Swift: The kind of player that cause old Jewish men to "Feh" in disgust, Swift has spent the greater part of his Basketball career building us up, only to drop us 30 stories down. Why doesn't his superior athleticism at the 4 get the job done? Maybe because he is a self-aggrandizing moron. Remember that bird call shit he used to do? Fuck, get this guy off the roster immediately before I start liking him.
Peep the hand gesture post dunk, he still does it!!!!
Keith Van Horn:
Sean Williams:
Yi Jianlin: Finally, Yi gets exposed to the Chinese saturated market he (and the powers that control him) crave. He can be a hero to the millions of yellow men in the greater New York metropolitan area who crave a true basketball playing hero. So let's take a look at what Yi can do for you and me:
Dunk on people regardless of their race:
Make Andrew Bogut look like he's worth a lot less than that contract extension:
Speak English?:
Oh well, we're not the Knicks:
La estación está vacía
Change the channel!
New plan, coming in August 2008: The port wine grind goes bilingual, coming available to you in Spanish.
-Alex
New plan, coming in August 2008: The port wine grind goes bilingual, coming available to you in Spanish.
-Alex
2008/07/28
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
