Chicago Bulls

Hey it's the Chicago Bulls!



Let's take a looksie at this roster:

Luol Deng: He got paid, finally. The long-winded contract negotiations between Deng and the Bulls front office had got me to thinking about several things:
-How good a year can the Bulls have in 08-09?
-Will Deng make an All-Star Game in the next 2 years?
-Does he enjoy Joakim Noah's random references to Central New Jersey?
I think Deng has all the pieces to become a top-tier player in the NBA, and this might be the year he stays healthy while displaying an improved offensive repertoire. His defensive presence is vastly underrated.

Drew Gooden: Didn't he play SF in college? Or was that just in NCAA 2001 on Playstation? Anywho, Gooden always puts up acceptable numbers, but never seems to generate headlines outside of growing a beard or playing piano(?).



Ben Gordon: BG is the pride of Mount Vernon, NY.
He has Ben Gordon Day/Weekend, but there are some things Gordon lacks: Size, consistent defensive effort, distribution skills, or a true position on the floor for a Bulls team that lacks an identity among its glut of guards. So let's hope that BG finds the right situation for his skill set.

Aaron Gray: Pitt Panthers know a thing or two about rivalry: The Big East is rife with inter-collegiate athletic tension. Aaron Gray is currently competing, whether he knows it/likes it or not, with Kevin Love, Spencer Hawes and Brad Miller for the illustrious title of "Great White Hope". White people are running scared, yellow people are everywhere: racism isn't funny, but life is.


Kirk Hinrich: Things didn't work out exactly as planned at Kansas, as Kirk and his buddy Nick Collison could not compete with the Carmelo Anthony led 2003 Syracuse Orange. For Team USA, Hinrich showed his talent and leadership, but it wasn't enough to overtake burgeoning powers such as Greece and Argentina. Last year's Bulls squad, full of expectations, never took off in the slightest; one trade for Larry Hughes and Drew Gooden later, the Bulls are back at square one. Why do bad things happen to good people?

Larry Hughes:



Joakim Noah: Poly Prep produced some great human beings over the last 10 years, most notably Mark Saigh, former first baseman for the Princeton High School Little Tigers. Joakim Noah, armed with a box of camels with a couple of pre-rolled J's, likes to party:

Maybe he will be a productive big, maybe Al Horford is ten times the man he is, maybe him and Harry Bornstein will smoke a dutch on LSD.

Andres Nocioni: "Chapo" is one of the most rough and tumble wings in the NBA. You have to love his competitive streak, as well as his ability to rebound in traffic. He has a solid three point stroke to compliment a rather refined offensive repertoire. He just never stays healthy for long enough to be a bona fide star. Time will tell, but he has all the potential to push the Bulls back in to the picture in the East.

Derrick Rose:

Thabo Sefalosha: My NBA fandom hinges entirely on the amount of playing time Thabo Sefalosha gets. More to follow in the coming months.

Cedric Simmons: This big boy is not quite a bruiser, not quite a finesse guy, and therefore not quite ready to play in the NBA consistently.

Tyrus Thomas: Has shown such flashes of defensive brilliance, that the entire mainstream media is praying that Scott Skiles is to blame for his regression during his second year in the league. Will he develop a serious 15 footer? Will he gain the confidence to dunk on everyone? Does he drink from the same cup as Stromile Swift?

Good luck Cook County...

Road Trippin

Chicago beckons: T-minus 2 days til shitshowzen.

In order to keep myself and others occupied:

Houston Rockets

Toyota Center here we come! Are we looking at a true contender this year out of Houston? Will Ron Artest be the Brian Eno to T Mac's the Edge? I've got a million questions, let's just get to it.

Rafer Alston: Skip has staked his claim as the true starting point guard for this squad, and with knowledge of that last line in mind, it's abundantly clear to me that there is no way the Rockets make it past the second round of the playoffs this year. His handle, three point shot, and quicks (both defensively and offensively) are upper-echelon, but not elite. He's getting older, and we all know that the AND 1 tour never tested for drugs or performance enhancing substances, so his internal organs probably represent those of a 55 year old single mother thrice divorced.

Ron Artest: Finally brandishing the colors of St. John's in a professional setting; while he and Chris Mullin share a plate of Stallone cuts and discuss the performance of the NASDAQ index, they can further review the carnage they and their fellow SJU alums have unleashed upon the league in the recent past. Felipe Lopez convinced the Timberwolves to waste a pick.



I wonder what will happen in a world where Artest is the "emotional" leader of a clubhouse.

Brent Barry: The need for each Barry brother to do watered down versions of what Daddy did continues; Brent will be the 3rd Barry brother to play for the Rockets. He is a vastly underrated defender, and will make this team better in all sorts of small ball ways.


Shane Battier: Used to have enormous swagger in college; he never hesitated to pull up for the gaudiest 35-foot three pointers. That said, Maryland's combo of Lonnie Baxter, Juan Dixon and Steve Blake held it down against the Blue Clown Devils. Battier remembers Adam Hall, he dreams:



Aaron Brooks: Oregon's surprise star is slowly churning like butter in to the point guard of the future for this rising Houston squad. Undersized? Yes. Underrated? I think so. Under Siege? Steven Seagal's masterpiece.



Joey Dorsey: Rebounding machine whose stock has steadily declined since he called out Greg Oden in the NCAA tournament two years ago. Can bring a lot to the table as a back up big, maybe Dikembe Mutombo will teach him about potential for an African Union that shares in the development of resource management for the greater good of all people on the continent.

Steve Francis: Remember Me?





Mike Harris: Wonders why Maurice is getting all this hype over in Salt Lake City, while he quietly contributes to another winning power in the west.

Chuck Hayes: Little Big Man.


Luther Head: Wonders why Deron and Dee got all the hype over in Salt Lake City, while he quietly contributes to another winning power in the west.

Carl Landry: People say he lacks the size of a traditional 4 to be truly effective on a regular basis, but the former second-round pick has shown nothing but consistent effort, with occasional flashes of brilliance.



Maarty Leunen: Reunites with former teammate Brooks. Does everything Novak did, but not as awesome.

Tracy Mcgrady: T Mac still can't get out of the first round. All the highlight reel plays in the world can't buy you a ring. Unless those highlights happen in the playoffs. Tracy's head got gassed the fuck up when he dropped all those buckets on the pistons back in 2004:





Dikembe Mutombo: My pick for President of the Future African Union.



Luis Scola: After watching him play with such remarkably boring efficiency during international competition, I loathed the day when he got signed by an American team. That said, he is a great teammate to these fellows and has the experience, determination and dirty tactics to help get a team through the playoffs. They just need the full compliment for Scola to be truly effective.

Ming, Yao: He's so tall, so fragile, so achingly tender to the touch; as the most ubiquitous international basketball star, currently playing, in the world, he has such larger than life expectations for both himself and the teams he plays for. The weight of the world on his shoulders, he never asked for any of it, yet he is the only player speaking up on important social issues, using his stature and the financial independence the game grants him to pursue life in a way that so few can. So many players, because of their station in life before the big deals, find themselves looking further and further inward as their careers ascend; Yao, perhaps a student of Buddhism, at least more so than myself, can see the nothingness in the self, the injuries, the inability to speak proper English, his freakish size, and instead work towards improving and educating the world that surrounds him.

When I was 17 some ignorant asshole was yelling at me and calling me Yao Ming while I was playing a Varsity Basketball game. Years later, I was playing pickup at Mercer County Park, and a group of aging Black men referred to me as Rafe Lafrentz. While playing for La Universidad Católica de Argentina, I was referred to as "uhhh, ehhh, ohhh, Alex" because the coach didn't really care to learn my actual name. Long story short, a healthy Yao, T-Mac and Artest yield a second round defeat.

Bo Shanks

13 makes a baker's dozen

Drums are amazing; you've seen the likes of Buddy Rich, Dan Shaugnnessy, and ANIMAL on this silly weblog, but gather round children I've got a story to tell.

In the sleepy suburb of Salisbury, Maryland, I encountered a house of gentlemen with two beautiful drum kits facing each other in the basement. They only drink Natty Bo
and I can't complain, in fact you might even say that it is some of the best cheap beer on the planet, if the planet was specifically eastern Maryland.

As we are all chilling in the porch area, we are asked if we want to see the drum set up, and before we know it, there are two kits getting slammed simultaneously. It's an orgy in rhythm, and like the slut that I am, I get my bass and my amp from the car, and make some magic.

Vacation is sweeeeet.

p.s.-NBA players to Europe is almost worse than Favre related speculation.

Ed Begley Jr.

Bernie Mac; rest in peace
Isaac Hayes; rest in peace

Speak; The Hungarian Rapper

Mad Money

Paid gigs are fun, even when one plays like a moron fuck.

How do you make me do?

The Beatles were/are pretty good.

Please Please Me

Saffron Burrows is a bugaboo.

A Daisy Chain

I wonder if bands exist as something strange and new, and which can be definitively linked together through broad concepts.


Les Savy Fav


Pavement

Guilt

and Gelt:



Everybody is complaining about wires, but what is it about free agency and liberalism that coincide? Are Liberals classicists? In the sense that they blissfully ignore the idea that they too are part of an ignorant mass, unbeknownst to them.

I love cheese and potatoes. Cheese and potatoes.

Philadelphia, Mann Theatre

Light as a Feather 2 Disc

On Tuesday, I witnessed the reunion of Return to Forever, after a 25 year hiatus, and got to see Béla Fleck and The Flecktones play for the first time ever. A quick review:

-Futureman is the most inventive musician on the planet right now

Read more about the man here

-Béla Fleck is an absolute beast

-Victor Wooten is more than a mere musician

-The white guy on wind instruments is pretty fucking good too

-Lenny White was savage on the kit, and bonus points for making fun of boy bands, I guess

-Al Di Meola has the fastest fingers in the world, as far as I can tell, he puts all shredders to shame

-Chick Corea was elegant, composed, inventive and managed to evoke every spectrum of human emotions

-Stanley Clarke played a bass solo that almost made me cry; his electric work was classic American, but his Upright work was truly global

Toronto Raptors

Lock your windows, close your doors, here comes a Raptor's roster analysis:

Hassan Adams: Great athlete, can play NBA caliber wing defense, never given any burn in a Nets uniform, a mistake in my opinion. Used to be on Sportscenter every night for highlight reel dunks and defense. You gotta wonder where he'll find minutes on this squad, but hopefully he'll find time to provide a few moments of pure filth in garbage time.

Andrea Bargnani: I feel like the big knock on Andrea is that he is supposed to become some mutant hybrid of Dirk Nowitzki and (a young) Arvydas Sabonis and that all the media does is try to find a way to stop his Icarus-like flights of fancy free bombing and weak-side rebounding. Anyhoo, at least people in America only have room for three Italian athletes in their hearts at any given time, giving Bargnani a rare opportunity as a former number one pick to develop out of the glaring judgmental spotlight,therefore as it currently stands:




Chris Bosh: Predator! Pastafarian! The best internet video creating, mid-range stroking, fast-break finishing, pickle juice drinking motherfucker to ever go from Texas to Canada. Levon Helm would be proud somehow...also, wouldn't it be cool if Bosh liked latter day Wilco recordings? It wouldn't? Ok, I rescind that suggestion.


Jose Calderon: Egad, he is as efficient a lover on the court as any great pass-first point guard. What's this? He is a better shooter than TJ Ford? As far as Spaniard go he is the straw that stirs the drink; wonder what will happen when people realize Ricky Rubio is the product of baby fucking? Making him the clear number one guy was a good move for the younger Colangelo.

QUICK ASIDE: FUCK Mike Krzyzewski's politics.

Joey Graham: I've always liked the way Graham has played the game, ever since he was torching clowns in the Big 12, it seems that he truly has all the tools to be an effective NBA 3, but the system that the Raptors run isn't really his cup of tea. Maybe I'm wrong, but in a world where Brian Cardinal has to suffer the indignities of being ripped apart by every sportswriter in the world for simply getting paid, it's important to remember that we are all entitled to our own opinion, as long as it is an educated one.

Kris Humphries: Thought the Jazz were gonna pick up their option on him, because he is the biggest Whitey in the NBA. A quality 4, with the shiniest forehead in the greater Western Hemisphere, KH is still really young and really talented. Expect a surprise breakout year from him, I'm thinking 12 and 8 with a few spicy blocks to make us all forget about Stan Love's seed.

Nathan Jawai: Hates being compared to young Shaq, you know who should also be annoyed? Greg Oden; how is it that the media is crapping its pants over a workout where he looks like a mountain man and d-bows Channing Frye? Is Channing Frye going to play a single meaningful minute this year with the return of the "Odeon" as I call him?


Jason Kapono: Hopes to continue playing just well enough to make it healthy to the All-Star break where he can once again prove that he would be a perfect edition to any international US squad because of his ability to flat=out shoot the ball. Also, my heart sings with joy when I consider the Phoenix like rebirth of Steve Lavin era UCLA players like Kapono and Matt Barnes, oooh dreamboats.

Jamario Moon:

Jermaine O'Neal: The biggest, blackest Irishman since Morrissey was vying for pop-culture rebounds with Johnny Marr and the rest of the known universe. Is he washed up? New abstract theory; Larry Bird is still in shock over being the president of a team that had a brawl that went up in the stands, and one day slowly realizes Jeff Foster is to blame for all of his problems.

Anthony Parker: Probably worth more money to the Raptors than Carlos Arroyo, would the same be true of Maccabi Tel Aviv? Did he call little sister after her scuffle led to a series of suspensions and another torn ACL for a female athlete? Doubt it. Did he call Karl Malone and tell him to tell Jimmy Kimmel to apologize for his "brown-face" routine? Is Bill Simmons upper-middle class Boston upbringing acceptable when he continues to hurl passive-aggressive racist insults at the NBA? I hope Parker can stop projecting all his hurting over these issues and rise to the occasion of hitting clutch wide open jumpers in the corner and trying to keep his profile decidedly low.

Willie Solomon: Bought every teammate a ticket to go see Stars in Montreal, but the only one who showed was Kris Humphries. I actually have only seen Solomon play like once in my life, and he did not do enough to make me think he'll be anything more than a career backup, but I wish him all the best!

Roko Ukic; Didn't get invited to the Stars show, and is pissed! That lead singer is soooo fine, at least her voice is. Fun fact, Roko is not related in the slightest to the greatest porn star of our word, Rocco. Fun fact #2, J-Zone makes porno soundtracks. Fun fact #3, Pineapple Express was mirthful and absurdist and inevitable.

Oh Canada...

Eddy Shaughnessy vs. Buddy Rich

Whatever it is...

Shattered Dreams

To all my creative friends in the known universe:

Don't stop whatever you're doing because of temporary frustrations. It will all be fine.

Grizzly Bear

Two Weeks:



It's really good...

Utah Jazz

Oh my, it's time to take a looksie at the least applicable nickname of any team in sports (maybe the LA Lakers take the cake, but I stand by my story) the Utah Jazz.

Morris Almond: All-around good guy, but I can't respect any former college star who managed to get stymied by the likes of Swedish B league rookie and once starting shooting guard for Princeton University Noah Savage while at Rice University. He must be smart, but they said the same thing about Karl Malone and now this is happening!



Carlos Boozer: Despite all the ballyhoo about his double crossing of former Cleveland Cavaliers owner Gordon Gund, Boozer is a really respectable NBA player, family man and one of the least hateable Duke alumni in the known universe (Cherokee Parks takes the cake hands down). Is he a true leader, capable of delivering the kind of performances that get a team deep in to the playoffs? Not in the West he's not.

Ronnie Brewer: David Halberstam's profile of Ron Brewer senior from Breaks of the Game that details a return from a knee injury and his hesitance to "jam" is funny when juxtaposed to the younger Brewer's tendency to throw down the rock (he was in the top 5 in the league in dunks in 2007-08)

Jarron Collins: The original "other" Stanford twin big man brother, nuff said.

Kyrylo Fesenko: Recently bleached his hair, to which Jerry Sloan referred to as "clownish behavior", needs to be more aggressive on defense and offense if he is to be effective in the system. That said, Greg Ostertag left big, awkward shoes to fill, and if anyone is up to the task, anyone at all, it's Fesenko.

Matt Harpring: The pride of Atlanta's northern side, aka where the white people are (sorry Rose, but it's true!), Harpring is strong, athletic and hard working (for a cracker ass cracker). His career has been numbingly consistent with occasional spikes of intrigue, he has a huge chest, the kind you crack walnuts on during the holidays. Probably fucks mad Mormon bitches, and probably will tell you the same.

Andrei Kirilenko: The free pass he gets from his wife is nowhere near as extravagant as the one he gets from his teammates for being a huge bitch.

Brevin Knight: Inevitably, Knight was going to play on this squad, he's the shy, quiet type. There's something about him that has always screamed backup guard for a Jerry Sloan coached offense. No longer has the athleticism to play legit PG defense in the NBA, but he can still distribute quite nicely.

Kyle Korver: Whatever I just said about Matt Harpring, translate it to Iowa, where there are nothing but White basketball playing heroes, with Pierre Pierce playing the villain whether knowingly or not. Probably friends with a mormon named Mason.

Kosta Koufos: He's a big Greek boy from Ohio who can stroke jumpers and play high school post defense at a high level. Could have used like 3 more years of school to have a degree to fall back on, but he'll do just enough to play through his rookie deal and then fall in to some Eastern Conference team in a few years where he will do all the things Dan Gadzuric never could.

Paul Millsap: BEAST. The truest link to the Malone days, in that he also starred at Louisana Tech. Love his motor, his ability to rebound and his underrated high post scoring. Wish he was taller so people would just admit that he's a top talent, same goes for Jason Maxiell, these boys are just as often posterization victims as any other big man 6-8 and up.

Mehmet Okur: Turkish delight! Probably smokes a pack before, during and after each practice/game. Gotta love his shooting touch, his furry eyebrows and his inability to understand even the simplest of English phrases. He's probably more erudite and intelligent than we give him credit for, but he really is a big lug. He's almost too Hanna-Barbara like to be a real human being.

Ronnie Price: Like David Bowie's saxophone playing on Lou Reed's Take a Walk on the Wild Side, Price lays in the cut and needs not be mentioned for he now may find himself as a bit part in a memorable machine. Which can only mean one thing, he does this in practice every day:



Deron Williams: The once and future PG of the franchise; Williams is a true gem of a player. The coinciding development of Chris Paul as elite NBA point guards has been one of the best on court stories to come out of the league in a long time. He has all the tools to be the best, now will he somehow find a way to make his teammates more athletic, intelligent and hard working? Only marijuana can do that unfortunately...

Pocahontas Round II

Worst Neil slide show this side of the Mississippi, you should see what they got cooking up in Oklahoma.

Ira Hayes Day

Discovery

Electric Light Orchestra

Daft Punk

One and the Same?

Interstella 5555


Robots vs. Gypsies

Tub Girl Ain't Got Shit on Me!

Good news: Vomitron made a special guest appearance in the 08540.
Bad news: He overstayed his welcome by like 15 hours.

Manny Ramirez is officially a Dodger. Let's listen to Elliott Smith's take:



Jason Bay is no longer a Pirate, but brings a welcome helping of milquetoast on a team that was getting a little competitive/ethnic in a world that had only known white failures for 86 years.