Shape Shifting!: Jul 29, 2008

Best free agent signing of the summer so far? Matt Barnes to the Phoenix Suns.
Worst free agent signing of the summer so far? Keyon Dooling to the New Jersey Nets.

Let's analyze the current nets roster:

Maurice Ager: One of my favorite Michigan State alumni ever, he killed it in college, and, despite showing flashes of promise, was never given enough burn in Dallas nor as of late under Lawrence Frank. He also seems to be a disciple of the Vince Carter school of in game consistency; a bad sign when you don't have the tools at your disposal that VC does.

Ryan Andersen: Feel good story of the Willenium, the formerly doughy Andersen worked his ass off to become the PAC-10's leading scorer last year. He can stroke on his jumper, an asset that becomes even more valuable with the departure of both Boki Nachbar and Nenad Krstic. He also seems soft, still, despite his hard numbers. I can only hope that he and Matt Frieje never meet, unless it's to speak up against the injustices in Darfur, or to be endorsed by a new line of clothes for tall, white men.

Josh Boone: He is the former bane of so many a UConn fan's existences, but has so much damn potential. Him and Hilton Armstrong might spend the rest of their careers getting dunked on, but at least Boone should be able to be a solid contributor on a nightly basis. If rumors are true that he learned to shoot from past 8 feet out, anything goes for this Nets team. A true first round playoff exit kind of Power Forward.

Vince Carter: Remember in 2005 when Toronto sold Carter off for what eventually amounted to Rob Babcock getting himself a nice severance payment? All of the sudden VC is the alpha male, veteran leader on this squad; this could mean terrible things for the forseeable future. With consistent effort, poise, and a regained swagger that terrifies defenders (Authors Note: We are in fact, fucked) we could make it all the way to the second round, only to see J.R. Giddens, as Boston's 12th man, outplay our entire starting 5.

Keyon Dooling: KEYON DOOLING?!?!?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! WHY?!?!!?!? How are people like Tyronn Lue, Keyon Dooling, and Anthony Johnson in the NBA? Just bring in a young player who can shoot, Pierre Pierce anybody?, and has athleticism, and size and maybe you can be an effective team at cost! I'm pretty sure Peter Jackson is a racist son of a bitch, but Dooling eerily resembles an Orc I saw in one of those LOTR movies.

Chris Douglas-Roberts: YES! YES! YES! CDR is my hero; beyond clutch missed free throws (I'm looking at you D. Rose) this man has enough swagger to make up for Boone's shoegazing tendencies. CDR:J Boone::Dipset:My Bloody Valentine. He is stronger and more athletic in game than most people think, and he can straight up drop buckets. He's a scorer, he's a creator, he's an on ball defender, and all of these things are mitigated by the Keyon Dooling signing!!! AAAHHHHH!!!!

Devin Harris: Madison, Wisconsin is a scary place, if you know what I'm talking about then we can leave it at that. Anyhow, this Harris boy is a whirling dervish of an uptempo point guard. I love his athleticism and his ever improving mid-range game. We can't ride his coattails to prominence until he can be a smaller cog in the machine; he doesn't have the pure passing skills of Kidd, let alone Kendall Gill, but he can be extremely effective with the right kind of players around him, namely CDR.

Trenton Hassel: Much like his namesake, the capital of The Garden State, señor Hassel has been continuously grinding out solid on ball defense and occasionally knocking down uncontested jumpers since KG was a teenage phenom up in Minnesota. I would like to think of him as a glue guy, but his history is marred by having played on so many mediocre teams.

Jarvis Hayes: Loved him on the Wizards, liked him on the Pistons, hoping for the best with the Nets. He's always seemed like an old soul in the NBA, a gunner on par with the best in the game when he's got it together. He brings a lot to the table with his combination of size and scoring at the wing position, but he also finds himself in a somewhat silly logjam that might even make Bunny Lebowski blush. If Bill Simmons is actually right about anything it's the idea of removing a seeming star from a team and then watching that team ascend to much greater heights than ever achieved while said player was healthy and supposedly dominant, Patrick Ewing and the 1999 Knicks is a great example, even if Boston fans are the worst fans that ever lived, I forgive you, but I will never refer to him as the Sports Guy ever again after this sentence, because fuck big market fans.

Brook Lopez: Robin will be better; what does this mean for Brook? For starters, which he might be given the departure of Krstic to Russia, there doesn't seem to be anything about this guy that is outstanding. Underwhelmed is the impression most PAC-!0 fans give me after watching Stanford the last couple of years. Will Sean Williams bring out the beast in Brook by switching out his mama's titty milk for a bong rip or two? I sure hope so, because you can't teach height and post-presence. Lopez will be an upgrade to Krstic defensively, offense is a wait and see sort of transition with so much of the roster being overhauled in the offseason, only time will tell.

Eduardo Najera: The biggest Mexican that ever played in the NBA. I love Eduardo Najera so very much, because he embodies the spirit of so many hard working Americans, whether they are in this country legally or not. His shooting is underrated, anyone who saw him playing in Denver had to see that it was impossible for anyone to have a competent offensive game while AI and Carmelo Anthony shared court space. Isn't it weird that Denver is rehashing what they did almost thirty years ago to the T: High scoring, no defense, often maligned flashy stars? Perhaps Linas Kleiza is the missing link.

Bobby Simmons: Number one question mark coming in to the season; what Bobby Simmons did the Nets trade for? Was he only good because he was playing in a contract year for a strangely competitive LA Clipper team, and with a lot of hype from certain media members with a particular interest (Ahem, Simmons' borderline swimfan like crush on him), or will he actually persevere the slew of injuries and bad press that seem to have derailed a career on the rise? Is 100% healthy? Can he bring it at the swingman position in a way that will help this squad? Is he going to put up ill advised threes? Will there be any room for any more ill-advised threes with VC, Maurice Ager, Eduardo Najera, Jarvis Hayes, Devina Harris, Trenton Hassel and Yi all one team to boot? Uh-Oh.

Stromile Swift: The kind of player that cause old Jewish men to "Feh" in disgust, Swift has spent the greater part of his Basketball career building us up, only to drop us 30 stories down. Why doesn't his superior athleticism at the 4 get the job done? Maybe because he is a self-aggrandizing moron. Remember that bird call shit he used to do? Fuck, get this guy off the roster immediately before I start liking him.

Peep the hand gesture post dunk, he still does it!!!!

Keith Van Horn:

Sean Williams:

Yi Jianlin: Finally, Yi gets exposed to the Chinese saturated market he (and the powers that control him) crave. He can be a hero to the millions of yellow men in the greater New York metropolitan area who crave a true basketball playing hero. So let's take a look at what Yi can do for you and me:

Dunk on people regardless of their race: