New York Knickerbockers

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Let's take a look at the current NY Knick roster:

Wilson Chandler: Extremely athletic, good instincts going to the basket, still developing his defensive presence, but will most likely flourish in D'Antoni's system.

Mardy Collins: The knock on Collins is that he doesn't do anything well enough; if he can focus on being a distributor and using his height to guard out on the wing, he doesn't need a traditional position.

Jamal Crawford: Those from the great Seattle metropolitan area have many current NBAers to hype up; Brandon Roy and Marvin Williams are the two most immediate examples that come to mind. I never hear you motherfuckers saying a word about your boy from Rainier Beach. Maybe he takes too many bad shots, doesn't rebound, doesn't defend, doesn't pass, and thinks he is worth franchise money to boot, ok there's no bright side to having him be an integral part of your squad, I give up trying.

Eddy Curry: He's got heart alright, even if it may give out at any given moment, and Curry seems poised for a breakout year in which he averages twice as many turnovers as assists, and continues to compile seasonal statistics that have us wondering how he could bring a double-double to the table every night and still be numbingly ineffective. Shaq was a bad fit in Phoenix last season, Eddy Curry is too big to fit himself in to any of the cutesy shapes D'Antoni makes.

Chris Duhon: Much like Green Day's breakthrough release in 1994, Duhon got his big break as a Dukie. He played alongside a fair number of NBA players and often showed poise, athleticism and court vision to spare. His NBA career has been underwhelming, he never seems to be the kind of guy you'd want starting for your team, let alone a playoff bound one. Maybe what he needs is a team that runs and guns and doesn't mind having a little funs too.

Danilo Gallinari: I hope he gets fat, it will help him build character. He kind of reminds me of a Western European Darko Milicic, maybe this means great things since one can only improve by getting playing time. Did he warrant his high lottery selection in the draft? I think so, think about 2010 when the Cablevision/MSG consortia is vying for the hearts and minds of New York's fans against Brooklyn's new look Nets, they need guidos, now and forever, to keep racism alive!

Jerome James:



Jared Jeffries: A former Mr. Basketball of Indiana, Jeffries seems to have earned his contract because Hoosiers (Isiah Thomas) hook it up for other Hoosiers for life. Remember when this motherfucker was getting hyped up in his early days on the Wiz? Jeesssus, let's hope that he offers a hint of offense to compliment his half-decent perimeter defense.

David Lee: Something terrible happened to David Lee while at Florida. I imagine Billly Donovan encouraged Lee to do nothing but grab rebounds and dunk in practice, and would have him watch old Led Zeppelin concert footage while all the Anthony Robersons of the world took jumper after jumper. It's still hard to fathom him defeating James "Flight" White in a dunk contest, but, then again, Crystal Meth has not been a national problem all that long.

Stephon Marbury: I have faith for Starbury. Someone needs to track down the footage of Starbury playing all the characters in a fake interview.

Zach Randolph: Should have crawled back in to the womb at Michigan State when he had the chance...

Quentin Richardson: Reunites with D'Antoni, if he's healthy he's liable to make a fuck ton of 3's. I envision him having a Glen Rice on the Lakers in 2002 kind of year.

Anthony Roberson: At least they didn't sign Matt Walsh...

Nate Robinson: Retired his jersey in Vegas for his Summer league dominance. I hope he can somehow find the courage to be a real NBA player.

Malik Rose: Candidate for getting dunked on the most by Wilson Chandler in practice day in and day out. The prototypical too small power forward.

There you have it, godspeed NY.

Washington Wizards

An exciting offseason indeed! Let's discuss the curerent roster for the Washington Wizards:

Gilbert Arenas: Overexposure leads to increased color bleed in the picture. I have aspirations of an all Gil all-star weekend.

Andray Blatche: Only one way to explain his career so far:



Caron Butler: Whatever the fuck people nicknamed this dude as, Tough Juice, is confusing to me as an outsider to the game of basketball as such. Therefore I will just comment that he is a top-tier favorite player of mine in the association.

Antonio Daniels: Used to be a leaper, still has low to the ground athleticism. Never had elite point skills, but got away with a lot because of how well he moves defensively. Russell Westbrook take note! You're hyper-athletic and have the potential to rise above the standard set by guys like Daniels and a young Jason Kidd.

This when Kidd was still in High School (approaching 20 years ago):



Brendan Haywood: Makes one long for the Kris Lang years at UNC.

Antwan Jamison: Got more pussy at UNC than Brendan Haywood, that's for damn sure.

Javale Mcgee: Is the prototypical feminist.

Dominic Mcguire: Seems to lead an honest life, just happy to be here kind of guy.

Oleksiy Pecherov: Dangerously thin, summers working for Gazprom have not improved his station in life.

Darius Songaila: Lithuanian! He's got something going on, always willing to take the hits inside, likes shooting jumpers, never a great athlete, mediocre defender, decent passer maybe, and mired in mediocre tendencies. Never makes the exciting play, has not the power to do so.

Deshawn Stevenson: Has swagger, miles of it. He is bigger than the American education system as far as I'm concerned. Tracy Morgan and Tracy Mcgrady had a baby and it's name was Baron Davis.

Etan Thomas: Demands that you take him and his rhymes seriously Brendan Haywood!

Nick Young: USC girls were great...Georgetown girls have funny moles...I am an amazing dunker...I am, oh fuck, ten minutes late for practice, was I dreaming? Nope these things are actually probably true.