Toronto Raptors

Lock your windows, close your doors, here comes a Raptor's roster analysis:

Hassan Adams: Great athlete, can play NBA caliber wing defense, never given any burn in a Nets uniform, a mistake in my opinion. Used to be on Sportscenter every night for highlight reel dunks and defense. You gotta wonder where he'll find minutes on this squad, but hopefully he'll find time to provide a few moments of pure filth in garbage time.

Andrea Bargnani: I feel like the big knock on Andrea is that he is supposed to become some mutant hybrid of Dirk Nowitzki and (a young) Arvydas Sabonis and that all the media does is try to find a way to stop his Icarus-like flights of fancy free bombing and weak-side rebounding. Anyhoo, at least people in America only have room for three Italian athletes in their hearts at any given time, giving Bargnani a rare opportunity as a former number one pick to develop out of the glaring judgmental spotlight,therefore as it currently stands:




Chris Bosh: Predator! Pastafarian! The best internet video creating, mid-range stroking, fast-break finishing, pickle juice drinking motherfucker to ever go from Texas to Canada. Levon Helm would be proud somehow...also, wouldn't it be cool if Bosh liked latter day Wilco recordings? It wouldn't? Ok, I rescind that suggestion.


Jose Calderon: Egad, he is as efficient a lover on the court as any great pass-first point guard. What's this? He is a better shooter than TJ Ford? As far as Spaniard go he is the straw that stirs the drink; wonder what will happen when people realize Ricky Rubio is the product of baby fucking? Making him the clear number one guy was a good move for the younger Colangelo.

QUICK ASIDE: FUCK Mike Krzyzewski's politics.

Joey Graham: I've always liked the way Graham has played the game, ever since he was torching clowns in the Big 12, it seems that he truly has all the tools to be an effective NBA 3, but the system that the Raptors run isn't really his cup of tea. Maybe I'm wrong, but in a world where Brian Cardinal has to suffer the indignities of being ripped apart by every sportswriter in the world for simply getting paid, it's important to remember that we are all entitled to our own opinion, as long as it is an educated one.

Kris Humphries: Thought the Jazz were gonna pick up their option on him, because he is the biggest Whitey in the NBA. A quality 4, with the shiniest forehead in the greater Western Hemisphere, KH is still really young and really talented. Expect a surprise breakout year from him, I'm thinking 12 and 8 with a few spicy blocks to make us all forget about Stan Love's seed.

Nathan Jawai: Hates being compared to young Shaq, you know who should also be annoyed? Greg Oden; how is it that the media is crapping its pants over a workout where he looks like a mountain man and d-bows Channing Frye? Is Channing Frye going to play a single meaningful minute this year with the return of the "Odeon" as I call him?


Jason Kapono: Hopes to continue playing just well enough to make it healthy to the All-Star break where he can once again prove that he would be a perfect edition to any international US squad because of his ability to flat=out shoot the ball. Also, my heart sings with joy when I consider the Phoenix like rebirth of Steve Lavin era UCLA players like Kapono and Matt Barnes, oooh dreamboats.

Jamario Moon:

Jermaine O'Neal: The biggest, blackest Irishman since Morrissey was vying for pop-culture rebounds with Johnny Marr and the rest of the known universe. Is he washed up? New abstract theory; Larry Bird is still in shock over being the president of a team that had a brawl that went up in the stands, and one day slowly realizes Jeff Foster is to blame for all of his problems.

Anthony Parker: Probably worth more money to the Raptors than Carlos Arroyo, would the same be true of Maccabi Tel Aviv? Did he call little sister after her scuffle led to a series of suspensions and another torn ACL for a female athlete? Doubt it. Did he call Karl Malone and tell him to tell Jimmy Kimmel to apologize for his "brown-face" routine? Is Bill Simmons upper-middle class Boston upbringing acceptable when he continues to hurl passive-aggressive racist insults at the NBA? I hope Parker can stop projecting all his hurting over these issues and rise to the occasion of hitting clutch wide open jumpers in the corner and trying to keep his profile decidedly low.

Willie Solomon: Bought every teammate a ticket to go see Stars in Montreal, but the only one who showed was Kris Humphries. I actually have only seen Solomon play like once in my life, and he did not do enough to make me think he'll be anything more than a career backup, but I wish him all the best!

Roko Ukic; Didn't get invited to the Stars show, and is pissed! That lead singer is soooo fine, at least her voice is. Fun fact, Roko is not related in the slightest to the greatest porn star of our word, Rocco. Fun fact #2, J-Zone makes porno soundtracks. Fun fact #3, Pineapple Express was mirthful and absurdist and inevitable.

Oh Canada...