Utah Jazz

Oh my, it's time to take a looksie at the least applicable nickname of any team in sports (maybe the LA Lakers take the cake, but I stand by my story) the Utah Jazz.

Morris Almond: All-around good guy, but I can't respect any former college star who managed to get stymied by the likes of Swedish B league rookie and once starting shooting guard for Princeton University Noah Savage while at Rice University. He must be smart, but they said the same thing about Karl Malone and now this is happening!



Carlos Boozer: Despite all the ballyhoo about his double crossing of former Cleveland Cavaliers owner Gordon Gund, Boozer is a really respectable NBA player, family man and one of the least hateable Duke alumni in the known universe (Cherokee Parks takes the cake hands down). Is he a true leader, capable of delivering the kind of performances that get a team deep in to the playoffs? Not in the West he's not.

Ronnie Brewer: David Halberstam's profile of Ron Brewer senior from Breaks of the Game that details a return from a knee injury and his hesitance to "jam" is funny when juxtaposed to the younger Brewer's tendency to throw down the rock (he was in the top 5 in the league in dunks in 2007-08)

Jarron Collins: The original "other" Stanford twin big man brother, nuff said.

Kyrylo Fesenko: Recently bleached his hair, to which Jerry Sloan referred to as "clownish behavior", needs to be more aggressive on defense and offense if he is to be effective in the system. That said, Greg Ostertag left big, awkward shoes to fill, and if anyone is up to the task, anyone at all, it's Fesenko.

Matt Harpring: The pride of Atlanta's northern side, aka where the white people are (sorry Rose, but it's true!), Harpring is strong, athletic and hard working (for a cracker ass cracker). His career has been numbingly consistent with occasional spikes of intrigue, he has a huge chest, the kind you crack walnuts on during the holidays. Probably fucks mad Mormon bitches, and probably will tell you the same.

Andrei Kirilenko: The free pass he gets from his wife is nowhere near as extravagant as the one he gets from his teammates for being a huge bitch.

Brevin Knight: Inevitably, Knight was going to play on this squad, he's the shy, quiet type. There's something about him that has always screamed backup guard for a Jerry Sloan coached offense. No longer has the athleticism to play legit PG defense in the NBA, but he can still distribute quite nicely.

Kyle Korver: Whatever I just said about Matt Harpring, translate it to Iowa, where there are nothing but White basketball playing heroes, with Pierre Pierce playing the villain whether knowingly or not. Probably friends with a mormon named Mason.

Kosta Koufos: He's a big Greek boy from Ohio who can stroke jumpers and play high school post defense at a high level. Could have used like 3 more years of school to have a degree to fall back on, but he'll do just enough to play through his rookie deal and then fall in to some Eastern Conference team in a few years where he will do all the things Dan Gadzuric never could.

Paul Millsap: BEAST. The truest link to the Malone days, in that he also starred at Louisana Tech. Love his motor, his ability to rebound and his underrated high post scoring. Wish he was taller so people would just admit that he's a top talent, same goes for Jason Maxiell, these boys are just as often posterization victims as any other big man 6-8 and up.

Mehmet Okur: Turkish delight! Probably smokes a pack before, during and after each practice/game. Gotta love his shooting touch, his furry eyebrows and his inability to understand even the simplest of English phrases. He's probably more erudite and intelligent than we give him credit for, but he really is a big lug. He's almost too Hanna-Barbara like to be a real human being.

Ronnie Price: Like David Bowie's saxophone playing on Lou Reed's Take a Walk on the Wild Side, Price lays in the cut and needs not be mentioned for he now may find himself as a bit part in a memorable machine. Which can only mean one thing, he does this in practice every day:



Deron Williams: The once and future PG of the franchise; Williams is a true gem of a player. The coinciding development of Chris Paul as elite NBA point guards has been one of the best on court stories to come out of the league in a long time. He has all the tools to be the best, now will he somehow find a way to make his teammates more athletic, intelligent and hard working? Only marijuana can do that unfortunately...