Forgive me father for I have sinned

Some shit that I have never owned up to and ought to if I'm going to ever move on:
-Andrew Cossard, I spilled beer on your precious rug the night I carved my face open with the steak knife while trying to open that fucking Carlsberg.
-PDS men's basketball team of 2003-2004 after our heartbreaking buzzer-beater loss to WWP-South, I spilled the chocolate chip cookies on the floor of the bus, picked them up and grinned with great satisfaction as you all commented on their deliciousness.
-Jeff Pence, I didn't read the shipping news and will hold steady in that regard.
-Sophia Yang, damn that was rough stuff...
-John Butts, I yelled a single racial slur at you after several full seasons of you being a total dick and saying incredibly hurtful things.
-Hot Indian hipster girl at Oberlin, I black out drunkenly screamed at you because I was scared. Or because Truan Savage brings out the worst in me, I'm not entirely sure which one.
-Sylvia Morse, I do a convincing jewish woman accent.
-Everyone from the 4 years of intramural bball; I never played well in the championship games, sorry.
-Rod Blagojevich, spelling your name wrong.
-Stuart Abram, you got that inbounds play wrong and Mosley pulled me from the game (I was finally getting rotation minutes), you fucking asshole. Just kidding!
-Drunk bitches, 2 years younger than I, that went to The Hun School, sorry for taking that case of Corona and 40 dollars in cash from the table, if it makes you feel better I was too hungover to run in to the endzone the next day when I had noone even remotely close to me for 20 yards.
-Pretty much every girl I ever fucked (over), sorry bout that but it's a two way street, ya know?
-And finally, the Junta de Andalucía, you keep writing checks and I'll keep doing my thing.